Symptoms of My Bipolar Disorder I Thought Were “Normal”

When we grow up, we believe people are just people. Maybe we see people who are troubled, living homeless and cold on the street, or maybe we see people winning gold medals in athletic games or accepting academy awards on TV. When we grow up, we assume people are just people. It isn’t until we get a bit older that we realize people are just people, but some struggle with biting disorders and diseases that leave them in need of support and resources.

As a teenager, I recognized that I struggled with anxiety and even depression, feeling my heart race or my palms sweat in social situations or overthinking speaking in front of my graduating class. But it wasn’t until my early adulthood that I recognized different behaviors, behaviors that felt more activated and guttural. I would experience moments of great euphoria or feeling elevated, whether it was about a song I couldn’t get out of my head or a concert I’d spend my last dime trying to attend. But more than feelings of elevation, I noticed extreme feelings of depression, shame, and loneliness. It was in the times when these lows, or dips, occurred that I believed there was something wrong with me; there must be if some days I can’t get out of bed and other days I can’t sleep at all.

Through the chaos of navigating this mood disorder, I got help. When I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I started paying attention to my practices, routines, and behaviors, which led me to understand how I’ve been operating my entire life. Was it eye-opening? Yes. Helpful? Somewhat. I think it’s important to practice self-awareness, but when it borders self-judgment, count me out.

These are some behaviors I had (have) that I believed were “normal” (until we can agree on a better term, I’ll use that for now, but let’s be clear, what is normal, anyway?) that were symptoms of my bipolar disorder:

• elevated periods

• extremely low self-worth

• crying spells

• extreme irritability

• lack of need for sleep or rest

• deep feelings of loneliness or “otheredness”

• isolating behavior

• large spending sprees

• deep feelings of grief, shame, and fear

• talking a mile a minute

• deep diving/infatuation into a new job, passion project, or new partner

With that being said, maybe you identify with some of these, or maybe you don’t. If you or someone you know struggles with bipolar disorder, leave a comment below or navigate to the “support group” page, where I’m putting together a weekly meetup to navigate all things bipolar disorder. It’s a difficult mood disorder to navigate without support, but you’re not alone. No one has all the answers to overcoming bipolar disorder, but we have the power to share our experiences and connect with others, build a community, and find what works for us as unique individuals. Sometimes, that’s all we need.

Until next time, friend.